This is my story, not inspirational; instead, I’d call it the constant combat story with an unseen illness in a world full of diagnosed illnesses. To lay it all on the table, it all started at an early stage of my adolescence when I was merely in grade six. I started experiencing anxiety, fear, and mood swings. I did not know what was wrong with me. At one point deep down, I had believed that maybe I was jinxed or it was an evil eye because it was so sudden and unexpected. I could not comprehend the changes in me and the orthodox family beliefs led me to believe in the obscure existence of evil that caused my mind to be delusional and negative. With time it started affecting my studies; I lost interest in the things I loved to do the most. I either felt depressed or acted like a maniac, and my impulse was heightened. I went back and forth, feeling sudden changes in my emotions and behavioral pattern. That was when I was diagnosed with a mood disorder called Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar disorder, BPD is when a person experiences both episodes of severe depression and episodes of mania – overwhelming joy, excitement or happiness, huge energy, a reduced need for sleep, and reduced inhibitions. This unique but uncontrollable phenomenon is complicated to overcome. I did not know how to manage my anger and overwhelming feelings. It felt like constant warfare of thoughts when I was depressed, let alone my studies. I struggled to get out of bed to do daily chores. It would be a big thing for me if I woke up in time. Other times I felt very energetic, and I tend to overdo things. The euphoria period was the new normal because at least I wasn’t sad or depressed. Notwithstanding my moods, I experimented with many things to bring steadiness in my day-to-day life. From pursuing new hobbies to changing the habits, I started by trying to wake up early (which I still fail many days ), drawing to calligraphy, writing journals, and different extracurriculars ,through which I found out, I like writing more than any other things.
As I matured with age, I came to know about my disorder and mental health even more profoundly, so I could access all the information online and try to control and manage my emotions. I even came to know something new called “emotional intelligence.” It became more convenient for me to live with BPD after learning the pattern or the phase I am in. It helped me explore my condition and find out what works for me and whatnot. For instance, when I am sad, I either eat a lot or too little or not at all. Similarly, when I am in the mania phase, I make plans despite the fact that I have unmet deadlines, I feel overexcited and energetic. Identifying my weakness to treat it in the right way was a difficult task in itself.
Though I know what is wrong with me and what I need to do for myself, sometimes it’s over my head to comprehend myself, and I think that is ok; that’s what makes me humane. On the bright side, I experienced a unique me, a different state of mind. People might call it madness, and they might not understand, but as long as I know myself, what others think doesn’t matter. My vulnerabilities have become my strength, and as I am on my way to figure out ways of life with BPD, I want to leave a message that the problems in life are the things that take you ahead in life success. It’s completely ok to seek help if you are dealing with complexities not only in regards to seen illnesses but unseen and unheard emotions as well, especially in times of Pandemic, when we feel most alone and unproductive. It’s also the time where efforts have been made by NGOs and INGOs to take care of our mental health. Personally, I’ve been listening to YTS cares podcast series that guides us through Mental well-being during the COVID-19 pandemic msha.ke/ytscares enjoy !
Thank you.
– Binisha Maharjan (Nepal)
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