A Talk to Myself

|| A Talk to Myself ||

I am done, I say. I can’t do it anymore.
The crying every night, the fake smiles during the day.
So much to say, so much to pour.

But I don’t see anyone. Is it me that pushed them away?
I wanted to protect them from my misfortune.
One person going through it was enough anyway.

I’m told it’s darkest before dawn. I’m told life gets better.
But as they speak, things are falling apart.
Everything they speak sounds like chatter.

“Pain is useful. Pain increases strength.
Through pain rises the strongest soul.”
Does it? Pain is making me plain indifferent.

Indifferent, detached from all that is happening.
Like I am inside an impenetrable bubble, being only a spectator.
Unable to relate, incapable of reacting.

I’m not sure if I should be sorry.
For not ingratiating myself into people’s life as a friend should.
It’s just that for the past few years, my life has been quite awry.

It started when I was a child and since then it has been reinforced.
That, I’m supposed to be punished whenever I get too happy.
I know, this comes across as very odd.

But I’ve always seen myself as the unconventional one.
Unconventional in my joys, unconventional in my sorrows.
Amongst all my acquaintances, I found my empathiser in none.

Someone with whom, I could have shared what ails me. Find myself a confidante.
To confide I’m miserable, unlucky, and cheruphobic.
But I’m afraid they will get tired of my rant.

Don’t take me to be an innate pessimist. I’m not a person who doesn’t try.
Every act worth my effort has been futile.
My reservoir of resolve and hope has gone dry.

Still, I’ve made peace with my life. Just don’t expect me to be Lil Miss Sunshine.
I won’t glorify pain, neither would I give in.
I’ve survived somehow and Yes, I’m just fine.

– Nikita Tudu (India)
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