Staring out of the window, I can see the night brightly dotted with twinkling stars. The semi-circle moon illuminates its faint light across the forest. In the distance, the leaves look like stars under the moonlight. Flipping through the magazine I was holding, I came across a red image. Gazing at the image, frantic terror gleamed in my eyes. This is déjà vu. Shaking my head in negation, I closed my eyes and chanted a silent prayer. I am getting Goosebumps. Knitting my eyebrows into concentration, I remained still. Just then, a screeching sound came from behind. With a thick lump of air stuck in my throat, I slowly turned behind. The sight left me appalled. A veteran laid the upper part of his body outside his car, while his legs were stuck inside. His face was ravaged with deep cuts and fresh blood oozed out from his face. The closer I got, the more horrifying the figure looked. Rushing to the man’s side, he mumbled in pain, “I came to see my son but now it seems impossible. Could you tell my son that I miss him? Tell him that I have always missed him.” While completing his words, I could see the pain etched into the dying man’s face. It reflected his failed mission. Before I could ask him anything, the man took his last breath and he was gone.
Standing beside the body, I was lost. I became scared and suddenly I could hear various noises. I recognized tigers snarling, hyenas laughing, wolves howling. In the midst of being perplexed, ferocious animals of huge sizes lumbered into motion. Screaming and crying, I fled like a spooked horse. Running out of breath, my chest was drying out. Racing aimlessly, my feet were now soaked with blood. The sky was awash with a red glow and everything around me was unknown. Peering behind, the animals were bolting towards me. Left with no energy to run, I stopped and breathed heavily. Terrified and hopeless, I closed my eyes. Then I cried aloud, “I don’t understand where I am God. I don’t know if this is real or not. I am exhausted and I am about to die. Still, I know that I have you, my Almighty God. Please save me.” With a heavy sob, I cried my heart out loud. My voice was hoarse from all the running. Waiting for the famished animals to devour me, I felt a gust of wind passing by me. Pupils dilated, scared and sweaty, I gazed up at the gigantic figures jumping over me. Watching the animals, I saw them lurching violently towards a woman. She was carrying her baby and quickly, the animals fed on her. Her head was bitten off, her legs and hands were torn off and her baby was eaten at one go. There wasn’t a whimper, there wasn’t a tear; it was my silence that screamed the words I couldn’t voice. I was dejected and fixated on the animal with cruel disdain.
My mouth was as dry as Gandhi’s sandal and my breath racing. Thick salty tears trickled down my face. I wrapped my arms around my body to comfort myself. “It was just a bad dream. I’ll be okay”, I exclaimed to myself.
Something in me has changed ever since I had that frightful dream. My manners are no longer atrocious. I speak mindfully and I am happier than before. And tonight, I had the same dream. An Excruciating dream! I often see myself dying, travelling into an unknown world with a red rope. I always see myself running, death chasing me and sometimes climbing the stairs to heaven. For me, such dreams remind me of Impermanence.
I never had as much time as I do these days. Due to the outbreak of Covid-19, people are getting more free time. I was flabbergasted. I stared blankly at my phone. “What if I die tonight? Is this the life I want to live?” I asked myself. “NO!” I answered. The truth is I can live my life such that I am content. I can keep kindness at the tip of my fingertips. The only person stopping me is ME. Why do I forget that every breath I take is a gift? Why don’t I appreciate people? Why do I always find a reason to blame people or myself? I realize that right now some people are fighting for their last breath, while I lay here envisioning breathing. I should not be sad about small problems because life could be worse.
“How can a person like me make a difference at all? I don’t have money to take a step” I whisper to myself. “Yes I can”, argues my inner self. “I can practice minimalism and save some money. I can buy a candy, crush it and feed it to the ants. I can share my books and my clothes. I can be alone but not lonely. I can learn that being alone is beautiful. I can stop burdening others with my expectations. Expecting the donkey to carry the load of an elephant is wrong. I can be kind to the mother who taught me to speak. I must practice patience as my parents grow old. I can leave my ego and live my life peacefully. I can cooperate with people without making any fuss. I must understand that the bee and the serpent often sip from the same flower. I must respect other people’s ideas and differences. Eyeing the 169 foot Buddha Dordenma, I smile knowing that the butterfly is never too late to transform. “How can I lose if I don’t try and fall, if I don’t climb at all?”
-Sonam Choden Doya (BHUTAN)
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